In many ways, boundaries keep us safe. Guardrails protect motorists from skidding off the road, laws protect citizens from hurting one another, and boundaries within relationships often prevent one party from manipulating or harming the other. It’s not always easy to set reasonable boundaries in life. Sometimes we face pushback from those we set boundaries with, or we might simply fear a negative reaction from someone who needs boundaries to be set. Even still, developing the skills to establish and maintain boundaries in your relationships will help you preserve the kinds of relationships you wish to keep.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries function as guidelines for relationships, much like speed limits set boundaries when you drive and contribute to a safer driving experience. Driving 80 mph in a 45 mph speed zone is unacceptable and can lead to an arrest. There are also penalties for ignoring personal boundaries. For example, unsolicited physical contact can result in legal repercussions.
Enforcing boundaries is not a new concept. Boundaries are part of the history of civilization, as nations and individuals have tested boundaries in their lifetime. Look back as far as you can, and you’ll find people setting boundaries. Judaism’s ancient creation story describes a disaster that resulted from believing “no” didn’t mean “no.” Acceptance of the limits of our power is frustrating, but useful. Acceptance of the “no’s” of others and enforcement of our “no’s” results in more stability and less chaos.
Setting Boundaries for All Types of Relationships
When we think of setting boundaries for our relationships nowadays, it’s easy to assume that this only applies to romantic relationships. However, boundaries can be helpful for a variety of relationships. Setting boundaries at work, among friends, with family, and more, is just as important as setting romantic boundaries with a significant other.
Is It Time to Set a Personal Boundary?
Understanding the appropriate moment to establish a boundary can be challenging, but there are some internal signals that can serve as helpful indicators. Consider setting a boundary if you experience any of the following from someone you know:
- Disrespect
- Contempt
- Possessiveness
- Abuse
In addition to sensing the way others may feel or act around us, we should also be cognizant of how other people’s actions make us think and feel. Even if someone isn’t outwardly malicious or contentious, if their words or actions make us feel poorly, something may need to be addressed. Some warning signs could be feelings of:
- Danger
- Disrespect
- Shame (due to another’s contempt)
By tuning into our body and mind’s reactions to negative feedback, we can better determine when it might be time to set a boundary.
How Do I Set Personal Boundaries?
Establishing boundaries in your relationships requires a concise approach to keep confrontation minimal. Use clear and direct language. Don’t forget to approach people with kindness. Some may view setting a boundary as a personal attack, so it’s important to approach the discussion with respect and empathy. Try to understand the other person’s perspective. Talk about how you feel and why you think the boundary is necessary for your well-being:
“Here’s how I felt after you turned over and went to sleep ___.”
“This is what I thought when you said my team was garbage___.”
“This is what I wanted to do when you backed into my car ___.”
Respect serves as the foundation of any loving relationship. Therefore, it’s important to confront disrespect. At the end of the day, your safety is paramount above all else. The ultimate sanction is to leave when you feel unsafe mentally or physically.
What If Someone Sets a Boundary with You?
In the same way we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to be respectful of the boundaries that people set for us. It may be difficult to understand when we’ve crossed the line, especially if the other party hasn’t explicitly expressed the boundary. Some warning signs you might have crossed another person’s boundary include:
- Irritation from the other person
- Some form of confrontation or argument
- Withdrawal from the other person
Recognizing boundaries essentially equates to becoming aware of what draws people to you and what may lead them to pull away. If you sense someone is withdrawing, consider thinking about what boundaries you may have inadvertently overstepped. To discuss your mental health options or for more resources, contact your primary care provider.
